We live in an age where our phones are usually never further away than arm’s reach. As the capacity for cell-phone usage has grown, it has undoubtedly become a centerpiece for the way we interact with one another and the world. The call to begin more conversations around its usage, especially for our up-and-coming teens, is a necessity growing now more than ever. To be more specific (if the title didn’t give it away), sexting is the topic of choice. If we want to keep our teens and their future safe, it’s important that we have that conversation sooner than later.
To begin developing discussions around sexting, it is important to first address our own anxieties, frustrations, and biases around the topic. Ask yourself, Why is this uncomfortable for me? What did my sexual experimenting look like during my teen years? How is it different from how teens today are learning about and discovering their own body? Understandably, it can be awkward to bring up the puberty, anatomy, and sex talks with our teens; however, sexual experimentation is part of normal development and growing up; it’s something we all eventually come face-to-face with. A big difference now is that we have the added presence of phones and digital media, so learning how to navigate the pressures and the natural curiosities of nude photos is an ever present challenge that isn’t leaving us anytime soon.
Establishing Trust
While the easy answer might appear to be fear-monger abstinence into youth, eliminating their transactional mediums altogether (aka: cell phones, iPads, or social media), or even setting strict rules about dating, in the end that can do more harm than good because it destroys any opportunity for connection. When the vast majority of adults are invested in the idea that sexting is a terrible thing and focus on all the worst case scenarios, the deeper effects, emotionally and mentally, as well as the valuable in-between conversations, all get overlooked. That includes conversations around what to do when a teen is feeling pressured or coerced to send a nude, how to respond if they receive someone else’s sexts being sent around, or what to do if they’ve sent a suggestive image and immediately regret their decision. All scenarios are risks that can lead to cyberbullying and victimization, and later to future depressive symptoms, social anxiety symptoms, and below-average well-being among adolescents (Gasso et al, 2019).
So how do we build trust with our teens? In short, we can be of the best support to our teens when we work with them through ‘what if’ scenarios, listening and gentle questioning, informing teens of the risks associated with sexting (as opposed to fear-mongering), and committing to remaining nonjudgmental throughout such conversations.
“What If” Scenarios and Gentle Questioning
While not all teens are interested in engaging in sexting, that doesn’t mean they won’t receive a sext or see someone else’s sexts being sent around. According to an article published under the Pew Research Center, 30% of 17 year-olds have received a nude or nearly nude image on their phone. Of course, percentages can vary if we account for imperfect survey rates and those not willing to disclose, and still it should be questioned: What if your teen receives a sexually suggestive photo? What do they do with it? Who do they talk to or notify? What if they feel pressured to send one? How can they advocate for themselves? What if your teen is asking for nudes? How can we teach them about the consequences of their actions and modify their behaviors without humiliating or chastising them?
Different parents have diverse memories of their adolescence, but for present-day teens, sexting is a modern form of flirting and romantic overture. Many romantic teenage partners might use sexting in lieu of, as an introduction to, or as part of sexual activity. Discussing this as an understandably normal pursuit and inviting teens to have their own thoughts and opinions on the matter can help cultivate more open communication about the risks, informing them of the legal implications of such actions, and how they may view their worth as a partner without the use of suggestive images/texts
Some ‘what if’ questions can sound like:
- What if you feel pressured to send a photo you don’t feel comfortable sending?
- What if your partner guilts you into believing it’s not a big deal, or that it’s not sex so it’s okay, or accuses you of not loving them enough if you don’t send a photo?
- What if your best friend told you they sent a nude?
- What if your best friend’s nude got sent around the school?
Another way to start conversations organically is by monitoring news reports about sexting and discussing the very real consequences of sending or receiving sexts. Some gentle questions around that can sound like:
- Have you seen this?
- What did you think about it?
- What would you do if that were you?
These questions are designed to help teens think about their actions, consider the consequences, acknowledge their thoughts and opinions, and assess their options. Please note that these questions are not meant to be asked one after another, as they can be overwhelming and may lead to shutting down, so tread lightly.
Fostering Nonjudgmental Conversations
It may very well be that your teen does not know the risks associated with sexting, or maybe they have a vague idea. Perhaps they’ve heard that there are legal implications behind sexting, but don’t realize that under the age of 18, it’s considered child pornography and could get them on the sex-offenders list for the rest of their lives. Maybe they’ve witnessed or read about the social implications of sexting gone wrong when other parties are involved (friends or news reports), but have not fully empathized with the serious consequences legally, nor mentally and socially. The “maybe” scenarios could go on and on, so it’s important to avoid assuming your teen knows these things or have at least heard about them at school.
The key here is: listening without judgment. That means we remain calm and patient, and remember that two things can be true at the same time. We can acknowledge the awkwardness of the conversation and recognize the uncomfortable conversation still needs to be had. It’s not uncommon for teens to think Well, that won’t happen to me… which may be true, and it’s still good to have a backup plan just in case.
It is your job to provide that safe, collaborative space for the conversation to happen. This looks like asking for clarification, reflecting what you’re hearing and understanding, allowing that to be incorrect, and giving your teen a chance to readdress their thoughts. How this sounds in practice might be:
- I hear you saying __________, and I’m still wondering about __________?
- It sounds like_______, is that what you mean?
- Can you tell me more about that?
Before skipping to the worst case scenario or jumping to conclusions, listening without judgment and gentle questioning provides our teens with a different sign of respect. Inevitably, this allows us to understand our teens’ way of thinking and build a trusting alliance with them.
Informing the Risks & Discussing the Value of “Digital Citizenship”
In the state of Michigan, producing (even if the teen is taking it of themselves), distributing, and possessing a nude photo of anyone under the age of 18 is considered a crime. In fact, it is punishable by up to 20 years in prison. Not to mention, aforementioned, a teen could get placed on the sex-offenders list, and that’s permanent once it is on one’s personal record.
Those are the legal implications; however, just as worse are the mental and emotional consequences that can come from taking and/or sending a nude photo. If a nude ends up in the wrong hands, it can turn into cyber blackmail/bullying. This is called “sextortion.” In the form of blackmail, the images can be used to extort sexual favors or money from the victim. When in the form of humiliation from friends or other peers at school (AKA: bullying, or if done online, cyber-bullying), teens may suffer severe depression and anxiety. In either case, if a teen doesn’t know how to cope or who to turn to, the risk of engaging in self-harm or contemplating suicide rises.
Sometimes teens don’t fully comprehend the significance of consequences when initial intentions may be coming from a place of innocence or harmless romantic pursuits; therefore, they deserve to be informed of the risks.
Digital citizenship is a way for teens to learn how to respectfully, safely, and ethically behave online. Good digital citizenship means a teen knows and/or behaves by:
- People are not always who they say they are online
- Privacy settings does not actually guarantee true privacy
- Any images, thoughts, or behaviors shared online become a part of their digital footprint indefinitely
- Photos received are immediately deleted (because they know that just having the photo can get them in trouble)
- Notifying the friend or peer whose photos are being shared
- Blocking anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable
- Ignoring or refusing any requests from someone to send explicit photos
- Treating others with respect online and off
- Avoiding cyberbullying or partaking in sextortion
- Telling a trusted adult when they witness someone being bullied, disrespected, attacked or treated poorly online
The Big Takeaway Points
Remember: not discussing such topics does not make their existence or truth disappear.
Just because a conversation is tough or uncomfortable does not mean it should not be had.
Two things can be true at once: sexual experimentation is a part of growing up and teens should know the risks associated with their curiosities.
The goal is not to fear monger but rather to build a trusting alliance.
It is possible to have a calm, informative and productive conversation around sexting with your teen.
Grant yourself permission to seek further support from a trusted friend or even a mental health professional who can help guide and encourage you through the process!