You’re here! I’d be willing to bet you’ve either just started therapy, have made the decision to set up your first appointment, or you’re still contemplating it and leaning toward the “let’s do this!” side. Wherever you are, I applaud you and I applaud your interest in figuring out how to squeeze the most juice out of the fruit of therapy. Some tidbits in this article might come off as common sense, but I can guarantee that all seven points will serve as valuable reminders no matter what stage of therapy you’re in. I wish you all the best in your experience!
1. You might get lucky, or you might need to communicate
How many shoes do you try on before you’ve found the right pair you want to buy? Some people find the right fit and style on the first try, and others might have to try on a couple different pairs before they settle. This is totally normal! There are often occasions when a client simply doesn’t mesh with their therapist, and that’s okay. Figure out what didn’t work, and when you’re looking for your next therapist, make sure to communicate that with the desk receptionist or with the next therapist themselves. If you’re already in therapy and still asking the question of whether your therapist is a good match, I might be concerned about the compatibility of the relationship; however, I’d also question if you’ve talked to your therapist about what might not be working for you. Therapists are trained to be flexible to their client’s needs, but they cannot always interpret them accurately on the first try (spoiler alert: we are not mind-readers!). This is why communication is so imperative. Understandably, many clients fear the idea of challenging a therapist if they define them as an “authority” figure or they might not want to disappoint anyone, but if there is one safe space to set a boundary or speak up about what’s bothering you: it’s in therapy! Maybe it will generate a conversation of unmet or unrealistic expectations, and maybe it will help straighten out misunderstandings or disconnections. In both cases, your therapist will commend your courage and thank you for letting them know.
2. Talk about whatever you want, but especially about the stuff you don’t want to talk about
Arguably, one of the most special parts of therapy is that it is the space you can talk about absolutely anything without fear of critical judg
ment. It’s a place to unload – whether that be about something new that happened, or about an ongoing issue you need a number of sessions to process through. I often say, though, what you might not talk about elsewhere is what should be brought up in therapy. If something is weighing on you as upsetting, worrisome, bothersome, confusing, or even exciting, joyful, memorable, and lovely – let it out in therapy. 3. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable As much as us therapists will advocate for how awesome therapy is, I’ll be honest with you: it is meant to push you out of your comfort zone. Clients who also advocate for how awesome therapy is don’t do so because it’s an amusement park with rainbows, flowers, and free ice-cream (although that’d be sweet!). They do so because after putting in the work of processing difficult pasts, events, memories, emotions, relationships, self- doubt, etc., modifying their own behaviors, practicing new coping skills, or simply getting heavy feelings off their chest, they feel better for it. The power of therapy is in the small steps toward progress, healing, and moving forward, but those steps are not taken in your comfort zone.
4. Don’t expect answers
Let’s debunk the myth now: therapists do not tell you what to do. They will certainly ask plenty of questions, they will encourage you to contemplate the
consequences of your actions, and they will help guide you toward the decisions that will serve your best interest, but they do not have the formulas or the answers. Most of the time, therapists will remind you that YOU are the expert over your own life. Our job is to help you weed out and organize the external voices persuading you to believe otherwise.
5. Patience is the name of the game, but action is its nickname
Positive change takes time. In therapy, you’re going to be taking a long, hard look at
what may or may not have been working throughout your life, as well as learn different skills to cope with, manage, adapt to, and/or change your circumstances and behaviors. To get the best bang for your buck, do your homework! Your therapist might directly give you an intervention to try, or they might drop seeds for you to take and work on growing. Therapy is meant to help you take action. If you’re not ready or the steps are too large, work with your therapist to take baby steps. Work together to set realistic goals, and build off them as you go. There’s a quote from the stoic Roman philosopher, Seneca, who said, “we suffer more in imagination than reality.” Consider that when you’re contemplating whether to execute your homework outside of therapy.
6. You’re allowed to challenge your therapist
This coincides with point number 1: you might get lucky or you might need to communicate. Therapy will encourage you to be a better communicator, and the first person you can practice with is your therapist! Ask them questions, practice setting boundaries, ask to role-play (if they haven’t encouraged it yet), let them know if something they said confused you or didn’t sit well with you, and give them feedback.
The more you communicate with your therapist, the better your sessions become.
7. Show up
Your therapy is for you and only you. In fact, going to therapy is an act of self-care. It’s an hour for you to have the center stage, to receive undivided attention, to make sense of your thoughts and feelings, to work on yourself, to better your circumstances, to build life-skills and confidence, to receive support, and to help get you through the best and worst of life-events…to name a few. You owe it to yourself to show up, be present and work hard. You got this!