For decades, your nest has been full, bustling with noise, laughter, and general busyness. It wasn’t always perfect, but it was yours. It was comforting; it defined home and family. When your children leave for college, you may brace yourself for the emptiness you feel when they walk out that door for the first time. However, parents often assume they’re dealing with a single emotional transition when, in reality, empty nesting is a process that happens over and over again.

Once you adjust to them being gone, they come back for the holidays. Then you get used to them being back again and filling the empty void in the home. Just when you’re getting used to that rhythm, they leave once again to start the spring semester in January. While the first goodbye is hard, it’s the second, third, and fourth ones that can stir up a surprising mix of emotions: sadness, relief, joy, exhaustion, and even guilt.

Today, we’ll talk about the emotional rollercoaster of the constant return and departure, as well as how to let go without losing connection, and what your marriage might look like when everyone else is gone.

The Return and Departure Rollercoaster

You may have read books or listened to podcasts about how to deal with an empty nest. You thought you were prepared for that initial sting. Turns out, you seemed to manage it OK. Maybe you even took on a new hobby, rekindled your marriage, or reconnected with old friends.

But when college-aged children come back home for holidays and summer breaks, many parents fall right back into old habits.

You’re excited to have them under your roof again.
You want to please them.
You cater meals to their tastes, adjust your routines, and reorganize your life around their schedules.
It all stems from love, of course. But it can also be quite draining.

Amidst all that catering, remember: your children are managing just fine on their own at school. Resist the urge to organize the household around them when they’re on breaks. Give them the opportunity to try out adulthood while under your roof. It’s healthy for both of you.

Once you have that down, though, then you’re hit with the next goodbye. Seeing them walk out again can result in those old feelings rising up: sadness, emptiness, a lack of purpose. But there’s one surprising emotion you may also feel: a sense of relief. You don’t have to worry as much. You don’t have to stay up late waiting for them to come home. You don’t have to hover, or put your own schedule on hold. These realizations can bring an unexpected calm. It may even make you feel guilty. But this is a normal part of adjusting.

Letting Go Without Losing Connection

Learning how to stay connected without controlling: if there is one huge challenge for parents of adult children, it’s this. Tracking apps, constant texting, or checking in multiple times a day can label you a helicopter parent, especially when this behavior becomes obsessive or interferes with your child’s independence.

A healthier approach is to embrace respectful communication. Before your child heads back to school, go over some ground rules and expectations. Come up with healthy boundaries that you will both follow.
For example, schedule a phone call once a week (an actual call on the phone, not just texting) where you can check in and enjoy a meaningful connection while still honoring the boundaries you set.

At the end of the day, it’s their life — not yours. No one said this shift wouldn’t be painful. In fact, many parents struggle with the transition from “I can advise, but I can’t control.” Trust this one fact, though: if you taught them well, they’ll make their own decisions and learn from them – even their mistakes. Make it known that you’re there if they need guidance, but give them the confidence to succeed and fail on their own.

Supporting Independence in Adult Children

Parents aren’t the only ones who struggle in this equation. Sometimes adult children have a hard time setting out on their own and embracing independence. They may crave constant parental help due to a fear of the unknown.

It’s easy as a parent to get caught in this trap. Rather than take over the reins, give them some gentle encouragement. For example, you may advocate for living on campus rather than commuting – a living situation that provides a safety net while still fostering independence.

On the other side of the coin, be sure they know that your home will always be their home – a place of refuge and connection. They should feel welcome to return to the nest should they need to (illness, stress, etc.) – briefly — without slipping back into full dependence.

The Empty Nest and Your Marriage

Empty nesting signals a major turning point for many couples. For years, parenting provided structure, distraction, and shared purpose. After the kids leave and all is quiet, you may look at each other and wonder “Now what?”.

Some couples embrace the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover each other; others are faced with the stark reality that they’ve simply grown apart and choose to explore divorce. This is more common than one would think.

In fact, more couples are divorcing after age 50 than ever before. Statistics show that about 36 percent of people getting divorced today in the U.S. are 50 and older, compared to only 8.7 percent in 1990. It’s called “gray divorce”, and it often coincides with children leaving home. It stands to reason people grow apart after so much time together. After all, you’re both vastly different people in your 50s than you were in your 20s.

The empty nest is a good opportunity to attempt to reconnect, redefine roles, and even reinvent yourself.

It takes intentional effort to keep a marriage together after so long:

Schedule date nights
Take a vacation together
Explore mutual hobbies
Rebuild communication skills
Shift focus back to your partnership

Support For the Crossroads

An empty nest forces many couples to re-evaluate who they are, who they want to be, and where they want to go now that the traditional parenting roles no longer define their daily lives. Whether you’re struggling with sadness, marital tension, a shift in identity, or setting boundaries, you’re not alone. A licensed Michigan therapist can help you navigate this next chapter of your life.

Schedule Your Consultation With Open Door Counseling Center

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the emotional changes that come with empty nesting? Schedule your confidential consultation with us today when you call us at (586) 203‑2715 or text (586) 330‑9415 to request a consultation. Our experienced therapists support individuals and couples through these life transitions and relationship shifts to achieve clarity, connection, and growth.