Dear Carol,
I have a hard time saying no to people, especially my family. Even when I’m exhausted or really don’t want to do something, I usually say yes because I feel guilty if I don’t.
Lately I’ve been trying to set better boundaries, but then I spend the rest of the day wondering if I was selfish or hurt someone’s feelings. How do I set boundaries without feeling like I’m being a bad person?
– Feeling Guilty
Carol’s Answer
Dear Feeling Guilty,
What you’re describing is something many people struggle with, especially if you’ve spent a long time being the person others can count on.
When you’re accustomed to saying yes, saying no can feel wrong even when there is nothing wrong with what you’re doing. The uncomfortable feeling doesn’t necessarily mean you made a bad decision. Sometimes it simply means you’re doing something differently.
Healthy boundaries aren’t about caring less about other people. They’re about recognizing that your own time, energy, needs, and emotional well-being matter too.
One thing you might start noticing is what happens inside you immediately after someone asks something of you. Do you automatically say yes? Are you afraid they’ll be disappointed? Do you feel responsible for how they react?
Instead of answering immediately, try giving yourself some room:
“Let me think about that and get back to you.”
That small pause can help you decide what you actually want and are able to do before guilt makes the decision for you.
And remember, someone being disappointed by your boundary does not automatically mean the boundary was inappropriate.
Learning to set boundaries can take practice. If guilt, people-pleasing, or fear of disappointing others has become a pattern that affects your relationships or your own well-being, those are also things you can explore with a therapist.
– Carol
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